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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 9, 2014 6:54pm-7:26pm PDT

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! welcome to the report. thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us. folks,-- (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much for being with us tonight. it's good to have you with us, tonight as all nights, folks as a bit of a clothes horse it's my job to remind you of the annual fashion dos and don'ts. for instance it is now after memorial day so you are allowed to wear white pants. but i don't recommend it because what you're about to hear is going to make you go
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to code brown jim in. >> today marks the beginning of the atlantic hurricane season. >> the beginning of the atlantic hurricane see. hurricane season. >> yes, hurricane season seems to come earlier and earlier every year because thanks to global warning it never really ends. (laughter) but here's my number one hurricane season safety tip. if you live anywhere on the coast from galveston, texas, to wilmington, north carolina, don't. (laughter) now we've just found out we've just found out, folks, when it comes to hurricanes there is a new name for danger. and it's girlly. >> according to a new study researchers looked at more than 16 years of death tolls from hurricanes and they found female-named hurricanes killed more people than the male ones. (laughter) >> stephen: yes. oh yes. when it comes to destruction, the lady storm shattered the glass ceiling-- well, the
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glass everything. (laughter) according to the study, people don't take hurricanes as seriously if they have a feminine name. and neither consider them as risky nor take the same precaution. hey, we've all been there. i hear hurricane irene is coming, i say wow, she sounds like a lovely lady. so i go out to greet her in the yard with a bucket of nails. next thing i know, i'm floating past a high school clinging to a bloated cow carcass. (laughter) it's the float of shame. (laughter) the study even suggests that changing a severe hurricane's name from charley to eloise could nearly triple its death toll, which means if charley manson had changed his name to eloise manson, we have been three times as homicidal. because everybody trusts a nice lady with a forehead swastika. now folks, there are people
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out there who think this is pure sexism-- reflecting-- for from meaningful social change, whatever. but in the meantime i say we can use this bias to keep us all safe this year by making every storm sound as bad-ass and masculine as possible with weather alerts like this. >> this sunday, sunday, sunday, through october, tober, tober, el nino becomes a man. and brings you hurricane-- balls back-to-back with tropical storm magnus man thunder croc. you're to the going to want to be there. (laughter) >> stephen: and that's-- (cheers and applause) >> nation, i've always been a huge fan of amazon. its he the only place you can get all your shopping done in your underwear, at least-- amazon sells
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everything, a scooby doo chest set, a neon full body like ra suit -- lycra suit, a sampler pack of kang ra radio jerky, a shed to hide your disturbing amazon purchases from your family. but now i'm not just mad at amazon, i'm mad prime. because i just found out that they are deterring customers from buying books by stephen colbert. and as any long time viewer of this show knows,-- they're fighting with pie publisher hachette and amazon is playing hard cover. >> amazon seems to be stepping up its battle with book publish esch hachette, now refusing orders for some upcoming hachette books. >> amazon has been accused of using different tactics to quietly deter publishes from buying books from hachette. >> amazon has been accused from raising prices to deliberately delaying shipments. >> delaying shipments. sometimes three to four weeks. folks, that is just cruel. if you ordered hachette's 21
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day weight loss by the time it arrives, you're still fat. (laughter) and this is a big blow-- it's a big blow to my bottom line. because amazon controls around 50% of all book sales. that's right. 30 books a year! (laughter) amazon even released a statement encouraging customers to buy used copies of hachette books from other sellers. folks, publishers and authors get no cash from used book sales. plus, you don't want them. (laughter) used books are the-- of the literary world, passed a around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison. (laughter) and i am not the only victim here. take harry potter author jk rowling. amazon has taken the preorder buttons off her new hachette book the silkworm, a vicious tactic by amazon's
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c.e.o. jeff bezos, or should i say lord bezo-mort. and this-- this has pushed me past my tipping point. i think. because i'm still waiting for my copy of hachette novell novel the tipping point. i tell you what, amazon, i have got a little package for you right here, okay. this package is care of me, jk rowling and explaino the clown here, okay. all right? it is shipped immediately and a lot of packaging, all right. and i think you're really going to like it. oh, wait a second. here it. (applause) wlingz wlingz ouxz xz wauted xz-- oh, wait, amazon, customers that enjoy this also bought this. (laughter) (applause)
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so watch out bezos, because this means war. an sure amazon may have an army of drones but hachette has-- whatever a hachette is. i'm going say a tiny french hachette. and here to help me fight back is winner of the national book award and the ken faulkner award my fellow amazon victim sherman alexie, thank you so much for coming on. >> thank you. >> good to see you. you want to pop some bubble wrap? >> yeah. >> stephen: all right. sherman everybody knows you're the author of the absolutely true diary of a part-time indian. why is amazon doing this to us? >> i'm just happy to be here. if amazon had been in charge of the travel it would have taken me two to five weeks to get here. >> yeah, yeah. (applause) >> they're doing because they won a monopoly. they control 40 to 50% of the book market and they
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want more. and the only way they can do that is by forcing the price lower and lower and lower and making it impossible for more and more publishers to publish their book. >> is this a giant, is this a giant creating monopoly trying to crush the little guy? >> no, it's two giants fighting each other. hachette is a big corporation. a giant corporation but without do i root for then. >> you root for the author. you root for the author, that's you. >> that's me. >> we're good for each other because i was on my side but i wanted to make sure. what can we as the victim in this fight, what can we do to fight back? >> number one, you don't stop there. for anything. >> at amazon. (cheers and applause) >> until this is settled. >> until this is settled but the fact that is amazon controls so much of our world that we don't even know about. because they're on the internet and invisible we're not aware of their nomination. >> it's toughest on young authors who are being published for the first time. >> much in the way amazon has created this for free
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publicity, it's everything. the fortunes of a movie are determined before it's ever screened in the theatre. the fortunes of a book are determined before it ever hits the shelf. free publicity and free sales determine the success of a book. >> so the fact that like first time author you can't get any presales or orders are delayed is really hurting. >> the book is dead. >> okay, here is one that you recommended. it's called california by edden lapucky, all right, a good one. >> an incredible book. it's a book set in mid apocalyptic united states where an economic, social political apocalypse has happened and it's a love story of this young couple who are trying to survive. >> have we lost any big cities? >> los angeles goes, and -- >> so it's got a happy ending. >> yes, exactly. >> okay. so here's the deal. i, right now you can't actually preorder this on amazon because of this game they're playing with my publisher. instead i want you to go to my web site colbert
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we have got a deal with power book portland. you can order this book through my web site, through-- and we're going to prove that i can sell more books than amazon. all right, and when you buy it, don't forget, don't forget all also my web site you can download this sheet of stickers, it says i didn't buy it an amazon. peel it off and then put it right on any book that you are reading, okay. and remember, if you don't have any sticker printer paper, you can order from amazon. they sell-- it's cheap and you can get it the next day. sherman alexie thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause) >> sherman alexie, california. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: thanks too much. welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. folks, if you watch this show you know that i don't like to toot my own horn, as a catholic i was taught that self-tooting is a sin. but tonight i'm compelled to take a moment to recognize someone else's recognition of me. jim? >> a new study says that one person on this one tv show is actually doing a better job educating you than other news organizations, who is that? answer, "the colbert report." researchers at the-- colbert
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nation not only thought they knew more about something as wonky as campaign-finance reform than others, they were actually right. >> stephen: that's right. i did a better job informing the public about campaign-finance reform than every other news organization and cnn. (cheers and applause) long time viewers will fondly recall the super pac i set up in 2011, colbert super pac, you know our motto, making a better tomorrow-- tomorrow. >> . >> stephen: close. and over the course of two years we reached our goal of me collecting over a million dollars that i was free so to spend in total secretary recognize-- secrecy. a little something in my throat. (laughter)
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(applause) (cheers and applause) now the study says the key to my informing you was setting up my own super pac because you get to see the process as opposed to a new source where they just would tell you this is the way it is. so let that be a lesson to you fox news. show, don't tell. if you want your viewers to have a better understanding of your editorial positions they need to see you sucking ted cruz's balls. (laughter) nation,-- very salty, salty. a little-- i'm guessing a little mystique. nation, this is an historic moment for the report. i have been ranked the most informative of all american news organizations. and i'm incredibly sorry. (laughter) >> because when we began this show i promised to peel
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the news at you from my gut. that is why i yank everything i say directly out of my ass because it's the shortest distance between my gut and you. i never intended to be an educator? what's next, getting paid like one? oh. oh. domestic automobiles. i let you down, nation. clearly i must work harder at informing you less. and to do that i hummably bough myself before the master. >> coming up negotiation, are you ready? for a prince selfie? >> what videos did you are forward to your friends. >> the baby squirrel-- need we say any more. >> we're going to introduce you to the world's first burrito vending machine. >> coming up next right here
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what your dog could be doing when you're not home. (laughter) >> stephen: wow. the bar oflyness has been set very high. but i think i got it. when we return i will spend six minutes reading questions off a card to 22 jump treat star jonah hill. we'll be right back.
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hey, long time... thank you. here's to that friend you've known since forever. the one who's been through it all with you. from playoff wins... to girlfriends lost. a guy you know better than anyone. even if you've never called him by his real name. hey, dad. buddy.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is in the new movie twenty-two jump street. >> going to actual college, not on-line college. looking for code messages and lectures. >> what are you talking about. >> look around. this is our city. what do we want to be in college. >> you're right,. >> the tide comes in at 10:30 a.m. then it will return to the
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sea. >> this report. >> let's do this. turned down for what ♪ ♪ turned down for what ♪ turned down for what ♪. >> stephen: i got to get a gun. please welcome jonah hill. (cheers and applause) hey, jonah good to see you, thank you for coming on. >> they love you. >> stephen: they love you, what are you talking b they're loving me to love you. i'm a love vehicle tonight, that's it. >> yes. >> stephen: actor, writer, producer. >> yeah. >> stephen: nominated twice for academy awards. >> yeah. >> stephen: first your performance in money balls then wolf of wall street, new movie twenty-two jump street, opens june 13th. >> that's right, friday the 13th. spooky, not a horror movie.
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>> stephen: before we get started i just want to get something out of the way here, the elephant in the room. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: learned something, you know, something disturbing. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: recently. revealed that you are friends with -- >> yeah. >> stephen: and-- would you like to apologize because i have had moves like jagger in my head for three years and someone needs to say they're freaking sorry for that, anything to say? nope? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right, all right. >> he is a great guy. >> stephen: he's a great guy, all right, i would think twice about that. >> but the song is too catchy. >> stephen: how did you make the cross from comedy to drama. because a lot of comedians want to do that or people who do comedy but you are one of those rare guise, like you've done some great comedy and you've done oscar be, you know, calibre drama. you are like dumpy tom
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hanks. (laughter) i mean that in the best possible way. >> that is-- that is the best compliment i've ever received in my life. (cheers and applause) >> i'll take it. no, i-- i love all different kinds of films. i am not, you know, i don't feel funny all the time. i don't feel superserious all the time so to me it's important to go back and forth and really mix it up, you know, to really-- to really express yourself in different ways, you know. >> stephen: uh-huh, no, i don't. (laughter) can we talk about something that makes me a little angry and that's channing tatum. >> okay. >> stephen: because i saw the first movie twntee-one jump street, in credible. i saw the latest movie last night, because i'm a special person, i saw-- twenty-two jump street and it's just as funny, you're hilarious in it but he's hilarious in it too, and this is a picture of him, jimmy can you put that up there. is that fair?
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i thought and correct me if i'm wrong i thought comedians became comedians -- >> that's at his wedding. >> stephen: really. >> knock, kidding. >> stephen: that's nice. i thought comedians became comedians because in high school they were living in the primordial ooze, like try a keep of social shrunken who tell jokes in order to lift their head into the social circle and cry out i am alive. >> yes. >> stephen: notice me, love me. >> well. >> stephen: why would he need that? >> i don't know, man. >> stephen: does it make you angry. >> no, no, i honestly. >> stephen: that doesn't make you angry at all? >> i mean-- . >> stephen: look at it! (laughter) >> yeah, i [bleep] hate it, i [bleep] hate it sop much. no, it's like-- it's crazy when you work with someone who, you hired him, he was like i don't know how to be funny, you're funny, i'm not. i go just be honest, play the character an believe what you are are saying you
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will really funny because what we are writing is really stupid and they'll just believe these stupid things you're saying and sdechlt and then i was like [bleep] this guy is funnier than me in the movie. i saw the first cut of the movie and i was like oh no. totally backfired on me. >> stephen: the first movie you're cops that go back to high school. and the second one are you cops that go back -- >> no one is looking it up right now. >> i just like he's in the corner of my eye like-- . >> stephen: is it true you work for scorsese like 60,000 for wolf of wall street because you really wanted to work with him. >> yes, he's my hero and all i ever wanted to do was work for martin scorsese, goodfellas is my favorite film of all time. when that opportunity came up i would have paid him to just work for him. i would have cleaned the floor if he wanted me too. >> stephen: am i more important to you than scorsese because i'm paying you nothing right now.
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>> it is a tie. (applause) >> stephen: jonah, thank you so much for joining me. jonah hill, tentee-two jump street, next friday, june 13th. we'll be right back. ♪ this little light of mine ♪ i'm gonna let it shine ♪ this little light of mine [kids fighting] ♪ i'm gonna let it shine ♪ this little light of mine ♪ i'm gonna let it shine believe in yourself -- we do. go you. cigna. tell us how being true to yourself keeps you healthy at there was a boy who traveled to a faraway place where villages floated on water and castles were houses
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captioned by media access group at wgbh uncer: june 3rd. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to the show. i'm jon stewart. man, do we have a good show tonight. my guest tonight on this very night we have -- you want to hear this. my guest tonight is richard gervais. he is a comedian of note from the united kingdom. very exciting.